


The Bat-mates and the Mysterious Sugar Volcano

by BizarreCornDog69



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Glee
Genre: Based on a dream I had, Brittany Shenanigans, Crack, F/F, I was legally obligated to write this, Roommate Batman, Unnecessary Batman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27952310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BizarreCornDog69/pseuds/BizarreCornDog69
Summary: This is loosely based on 2 dreams I had last night, combined together. I refuse to explain anything else. Also, I didn't proofread. Thank you to my adoring fans.
Relationships: Rachel Berry/Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	The Bat-mates and the Mysterious Sugar Volcano

**Author's Note:**

  * For [triplephoenix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/triplephoenix/gifts).



"Is this the Batcave? It's more... dark and depressing than I thought it would be." Brittany wondered aloud.

"Yeah well, that's because it burnt to the ground." replied Santana, who then pointed to Rachel. "This dumb bitch stayed in batman's revitalization chamber and it overheated. How do you even manage to burn down a cave?" 

"Yeah well maybe I wouldn't have to stay in the revitalization chamber for so long if you didn't stress me out so much!" snapped Rachel, who was folding up her 100s of ugly clothes. "Besides, I have to look my best if I'm going to star as Robin-" Rachel stops to do jazz hands around her smiling face "-in Gotham's yearly Christmas parade!"

"Bitch, Robin isn't even close to being the star. And even if he was, you're going to have to really hike up those heels and find a big-ass mask to even pass as someone as feminine as him." 

As Rachel's brain blew a gasket, the meow mix song filled the room. Both Santana and Rachel stopped staring daggers at each other and turned to Brittany. It was Brittany's special alarm on her phone. 

"Guys, I know you hate each other, but if we don't leave now we're going to be late to Batman's housewarming party!". Santana grabbed Brittany's hand and they left, with Rachel following 10 feet behind. 

\----

"YES I know! This opportunity is so amazing!... I know! I'm so great!" babbled Rachel, who was on the phone with Mr. Schuster.

"Is she always like this" Brittany said, with a pouty face.

Santana replied "Yeah this is what I've been telling you about. She never stops talking about herself. Well, unless she's on the toilet. That's when she cries."

"Yeah, I would cry too if my toilet was in the shape of a bat."

\---

The disgruntled gang arrived at Batman's temporary apartment for the party.

Quinn greeted them at the door. "Hello ladies! May I take your coats?" 

"No, but you can take this bitch." Santana said calmly, as she shoved Rachel into Quinn.

"Oh- Gotta go Mr. Shoe! The honored guest has arrived at the party!"

The apartment was shabby and had a few stains on the walls, but to make up for it Sugar had covered some things with tinsel.

Batman sat solemnly on the couch in his full bat outfit while everyone else danced to Journey's greatest hits. Eventually he just rolled over and went to sleep. Brittany kept looking over at him, uneasily. Her dancing wasn't as perfect and planned like it usually was. Santana could tell something was wrong.

"Brittany what's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing's wrong." Brittany said shyly.

"Brittany, you know I have a psychic Mexican third eye, even though I'm from-"

Quinn fell over drunkenly and dragged Sugar down with her. They were laughing and making out.

"Anyways, I know something's wrong so you're just going to have to tell me."

"Ok. The truth is... I don't know how I feel about you living all the way over here in Gotham. It's so far away. And, Batman is really hot, even though he isn't as tall as I thought.. I don't know how I feel about you living with him..."

"Is that all you're worried about?" smiled Santana. "Yeah, I don't like being so far away from you either. Like I said, Batman's just temporarily letting us live with him while I try to find a job that can pay for more than a one cubic foot apartment in Gotham. And about leather tights over there...." Santana gestured with her thumb back to Batman who was unconscious on the couch. "Brittany, Batman is gay!" Santana laughed, as she walked over to him. "Look!" Santana shook Batman awake. Batman rolled over and his eyes narrowed with anger up at Santana. Santana lifted up her shirt and bra. Batman muttered loudly and incomprehensibly as he turned back over to get to sleep. "See? Feel better?" Santana grinned, as she put away her bra shank.

"Yeah, much better" beamed Brittany. She quickly hugged Santana and rested her head on her shoulder.

\--

As the night went on, Sugar and Quinn were getting more and more inappropriate.

"Alright, I don't need to see this. Brittany, let's get out of here." Brittany nodded her head in response.

"Yeah I'm leaving too. But the night is still young ladies! Maybe if we stop hating each other for five seconds we can have some fun." Rachel said, who was already at the door.

"Fine. But where are we even going? Brittany, is there anywhere in Gotham that you wanted to see?" asked Santana.

"Well. I heard that there was a magic sugar volcano located somewhere in the city, and that you can use it to make magic milkshakes."

In a rare moment of synchronization, Santana and Rachel gave Brittany a bizarre look, then looked at each other, then back to Brittany.

"Well.. that's just what I heard." Brittany said as she shrugged, unphazed by their looks.

"Whatever, anything beats this shithole!" Santana said loudly, as she kicked open the door.

\--

"How do we find this place anyways Brit?"

"Oh, well it says here on the back of this box of Battar-Os that if we keep going 3 blocks north and 2 blocks west, it'll be behind some skyscrapers."

"Oh Brit, you can't trust a cereal box. That shit goes straight to your thighs. Not that I'm complaining" winked Santana.

\--

As they walked closer, it was becoming evident that there was no magic volcano. 

"Brit, this was fun but I think it's time to head back."

"No! It's so close! I can feel it. Let's ask someone in this building, maybe they'll know." Brittany ringed the doorbell, which was weird because skyscrapers don't usually have doorbells. It turned out to be a Scooby-Doo-esque puzzle. Suddenly the ground started shaking and several skyscrapers in front of the group started moving apart, to reveal one brightly covered, magic volcano.

\--

"Oh my God! It's real!" exclaimed Rachel.

"I know, I can't believe it either" replied a wide-eyed Santana.

"I don't know why you guys are surprised, almost everything was laid out if you solved the math puzzle on the cereal box. Honestly I don't know why you guys don't take me seriously sometimes." said Brittany.

\--

The gang climbed up to the top of the volcano, and Santana once again noticed something was wrong with Brittany. When they reached the top, it became apparent the volcano wasn't active. It was totally hollow. Brittany started to cry.

"Brittany it's ok, even though the magic volcano is empty, the view from here is amazing!"

"It's not just that. I was going to sell one of the milkshakes I made with the volcano sugar lava and pay off the Batcave damages." sobbed Brittany, who had sat down in defeat.

"Brittany, that's really sweet of you, but you don't have to pay for that. Rachel is working her ass off in order to pay it off, since it's her fault. It's what she deserves."

"No, you don't understand. The only reason the fire happened was because I didn't trust you enough. I snuck into the Batcave because I was worried you'd end up cheating on me with Batman because he's a sexy superhero and I'm not. I noticed the machine Rachel was in, and I thought it was eating her, so I disconnected some of the hoses. Then the fire started and I was afraid so I ran."

"HO-LEE SHIT. You mean all this time I've been paying off the Batcave debt, and it wasn't even my fault??!!? It was your stupid girlfriend, who can't even figure out how to sharpen a pencil without sleeping with half the school? You realize I could have been saving up for NYADA??!??! The school that's going to make ME! a sta- HEY WAIT WHAT AR-"

Santana grabbed Rachel by the hair and ass. She chucked her into the volcano, where she fell onto a boulder with a lifeless thud.

A great feeling of relief fell over Gotham city, and everyone stopped stabbing each other and holding people hostage in comical situations, because they had no reason to commit crimes anymore.

"Brittany, to me you are a superhero. You give me a reason to keep going in this miserable city. Even though I'm living with a creepy bat fetishist."

Brittany was still crying, but they were now tears of happiness. They proceeded to have passionate and loving sex at the top of the volcano, overlooking Rachel's mangled dead body.

A polite amount of time after they had concluded, a giant glowing spirit in an orange track suit emerged from the volcano. "SUE???!?!" screamed Santana. 

"Who were you expecting? A man with a greasy weasel on top of his head?" replied Sue with winds flowing past the couple with every word.

"But I thought you were the vice president???!?!"

"Ah that? It was too small for me, so I became God." Sue flexed. "Well, technically just the God of this volcano. But I'd like to think I'm working my way up."

The couple was speechless in the face of such raw power.

"Anyways, you two making up has appeased my shipping fanaticisms for at least another month. And your sacrifice to my volcano, while irritating and vile, has made me very happy. So I tell ya what, I'll grant you three wishes and we'll call it even 'K?"

"Oh I uh, don't know what to say. Well since I'm the one who made the sacrifice, I'll take the wishes." Santana thought aloud.

"I hope it's a cat amusement park for Lord Tubbington, whenever he goes to Carowinds he always complains the rollercoasters aren't fast enough." beamed Brittany, who was both excited by Sue and because she loved Santana very much.

"No Brit, it's even better than that. Oh great Sue of the Sugar volcano from Brittany's cereal box, for my first wish. I wish that we can loot Rachel's life insurance policy to pay for the Batcave damages." asked Santana.

"Done. But you were going to do that anyway." chuckled Sue, who was mixing a protein shake even though she no longer required sustenance.

"True, but if it's from a wish I won't go to jail again." replied Santana. "For my second wish, I wish that Batman will let Brittany move in."

"Done. But wow you really suck at wishes don't you? You realize that he's got a vacancy now anyways right?" Sue heckled, as she flicked Rachel off the boulder and into the endless pit of the volcano.

"Yeah I guess I do." Santana grabbed Brittany's hand. "Brittany, why don't you make the last wish. I should try to take you more seriously from now on. I love you and I trust you."

Brittany, without hesitation, jumped up and down and yelled "I wish the volcano erupted magic sugar!!"

Sue snapped her fingers, and the volcano erupted. The couple laughed and held hands while riding the sugar wave all the way back to Batman's temporary apartment.

\--

Batman awoke, finally fully rested for once. He noticed a partially melted, blue milkshake on the coffee table along with a note. He read it and smiled. He sipped the milkshake. It was the best milkshake he ever had. 

\--

Santana was awarded Gotham's highest honor for ending all crime by killing Rachel. Rachel's fathers presented her the award. She went on to do a great deal of humanitarian work alongside a very successful career acting in commercials.

Brittany went on to create the most successful milkshake chain in history, and eventually built that theme park for Lord Tubbington, who actually enjoyed it very much. He stopped smoking and gave up crime for a quiet life with Mrs. Tubbington.

Batman gladly allowed Brittany and Lord Tubbington to move into the Batcave, which was now remodeled and better than ever. Unlike with his previous tenant, he could actually sleep soundly at night. And now that crime in Gotham was eliminated, he could finally get therapy to deal with the trauma of his dead parents.

Everyone lived happily ever after.

THE END


End file.
